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[11 Mar 2006|01:33pm]
i just woke up from dreaming about mo. i haven't dreamt about him for a little while, and this one has left me with a more intense feeling than any othersi can recall. i only remember the last few moments, but i know that there was a lot more involving him than i can remember... we were together, sitting on a bench near some sort of store. he picked me up onto his back and carried me around as i kissed his back all over. i could feel his touch and it was felt so powerful and real. then we were walking together headbanging and i woke up with 'crazy train' in my head. i miss him.
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rot [08 Feb 2006|11:22pm]
i don't know which limbs are mine

and the chill breaches through the tips of my fingers
and through my hearts

i don't know which guilt is mine
or what love i have to hold
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[28 Nov 2005|02:10pm]
am i loved or idolized? am i just craved, wanted, needed? do only exist in this idyllic image that is impossible to attain? love letters from people i don't love and touch from people i can't love... what is this? can i love? can people love me? right now i can't believe they truly can. i am not letting anyone love me, but they continue to believe they do.
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[16 Nov 2005|11:36pm]
when i ride the bus i form individual and personal relationships with every passenger.
i came on to live journal right now and started to search for journals from london ontario of people that i don't know. i've found some really neat ones. i'm going to try and be live journal friends with everyone in london that has a live journal. it makes london seem bigger, and me seem older for some reason... i think maybe because a lot of the livejournals i've found have been of younger londonites. highschool live journals are the best!
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[14 Nov 2005|07:24am]
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[09 Nov 2005|11:34pm]
i just spent 14 minutes typing out lots of things, and then erasing them, and changing them, and in the end nothing was right, and nothing that was written needed to be said. it was all monotonous and none of it was showing what i'm really thinking about or where i really am. i'm glad i stopped myself. i don't know really where i am. but there's lots going on. i will say this: there are so many noises in apartment buildings on richmond street. from next door always yells. from upstairs always music. from other next door always steps. and in the bathroom here you can hear weird conversations that seem to be about business of some sort. actually, i really don't know what they talk about, but there's always a lot going on in lots of places for midnight on a wednesday.
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[07 Nov 2005|09:49pm]
there are people that i constantly miss and love. and i wonder if they are aware of this. old friendships lost or destroyed... i can never give up on these.
i miss paul. i miss mo. i miss jay. and jake. and ashley. and alice. and rick. and aaron.

i think about these people everyday. they continue to surround me and i know they always will. some are just far away and we still write but others are so close but we no longer fall into each other's paths. i see mo's brother and i have a class with his sister in law. he literally crashed his bike into me a few weeks ago and we just looked at each other. he stumbled over a few words and then biked away. some of these people i still see, but not often enough and when we do, we're not where we used to be and we just can't seem to admit it. the world starts to show it's size as people move away into it. it truly is possible for people to escape things just by distance. if you don't want to deal with emotions it is so simple to cut of communication. how can we do this to each other?
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[06 Nov 2005|04:38pm]
annouk got hit by a car last night and she died. i fell down as a stranger brought her to me in a towel as i was walking home from the market. and held her in my arms for hours until she became stiff. she still smelled like her, her eyes were still staring, but no longer blue yellow, just wide with hints of colour at the edges, but they were slighly misalligned. and she had some blood on her ears and her belly hair still hads't grown back yet. her neck was broken and her jaw crooked. she was so beautiful. this is something that happened and she's just simply not here. she's there... wrapped in a towel and cold, buried with stones and some things the girls brought for her. i love her so much. last night i woke up from dreams and looked at a very bright star outside my window and i felt so cold and i tried to squeeze myself together and bury myself into myself but it wouldn't work. i dreaded the night and i dreaded morning and i neither wanted to stay where i was nor go. my last dreams i was working at some sort of meat plant and i was in a bathtub with beef pouring out and i had to squeeze it with my hands to separate the juice and put each part into buckets. when i was done that, they told me i had to drum on the tap to get the seal meat to come out, but they said it in french-english/dream language that doesn't make sense when i'm awake. i woke up after i started drumming. i hated those dreams so much and i looked outside and there was rain on the windows against a colourless sky. i looked around and i was so quiet. i could hear annouk's daughter and not annouk. i put clothes on and started to dig right beside where she lay alone last night. i was shaking so much last night and every time i think of it i picture what happened, and then i just picture her all around my house and i sort of cringe and whine and cry. i have the strongest sense of nervousness, i feel so simple and lonely and i can't describe anything else.
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[02 Nov 2005|10:24pm]
this is what it says in the remarks section for james bulger, the fourth on the list of fbi's ten most wanted. it sounds like a personals ad.

Bulger is an avid reader with an interest in history. He is known to frequent libraries and historic sites. Bulger is currently on the heart medication Atenolol (50 mg) and maintains his physical fitness by walking on beaches and in parks with his female companion, Catherine Elizabeth Greig. Bulger and Greig love animals and may frequent animal shelters. Bulger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He has traveled extensively throughout the United States, Europe, Canada, and Mexico.
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[30 Oct 2005|12:06am]
"you're dwelling, sarah"
"john, that's what i do"
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[23 Oct 2005|12:38am]
if you're looking for me i'll be on the block with my thing cocked possibly sitting on a tractor. because i'm a survivor a soul survivor. this ain't no rap song it's my life
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[14 Oct 2005|08:22am]
for a long time now i have been getting calls on my phone with no one there. i think maybe it's a ghost or something. i used to think that it was someone just calling to hear my voice and was too afraid to talk. i get about one call a day or every few days at least, and weird messages on my phone that are blank and static-y. i pressed *69 the other day to find out the number and it said something like there was no phone number.and one of the messages that was left i checked the number and it came from "000 000 0000." am i getting outer space transmissions? or ghosts or something?
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[09 Oct 2005|02:22am]
eat prairie soup
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ghosts and another bird on the ground [08 Oct 2005|04:34pm]
the past makes me feel cold... supposedly when a ghost walks by you it does the same. since ghost aren't physical why are they thought to once be physical/in a physical body? ghosts come in places i've been to before... we leave a ghost at each touch breath thought.
i'm doing the sort of thing that happens evey year a few times. actually i guess it is a thing that is just random and happens whenever it happens. it starts out when i'm sewing or working at something or just sitting down quietly looking out the window and not speaking for a certain amount of time. i just start going and i then look through all my old things and letters and emails. and i look at myself in the mirror and there i am. i have so many letters (electric and postal) and so many pictures. and looking at these letters side by side with these pictures i get more and more lost. it seems one should throw away all of these archives to get past them. but i don't. and i don't want to get past things or let things go. should i? i think i move more forward in my present life if i remember and i hold on and move back than if i let go, forget, and push away. or maybe i stay where i always have stayed...because i won't let go and continue. the simplicity in it all is i can't and don't regret. i know things can't be brought back, but i live everything over and over. i dig deeper and deeper and can uproot so many old things so simply. and i place myself back exactly there but so much is missing. i put myself at the end of a moment and continue it for years until i get to now...
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[02 Oct 2005|11:04am]
right now i'm planning vacations. having kind of the finances to do so and feeling the desperate need to leave here, i've come up with a few options. i'm going camping in two weeks and i want to try and go on a small vacation or a big one every month or two. at first not being in school any more made me un productive and i felt withdrawl because i don't have the amazing beal resources any more. but these past few days i've been building up to a creative and go-going blast of excitement. i'm realizing/realising (which one z or s?) that i am still who i am and i don't need looms or machines to create. or big space. or someone telling me what to do, because i never really listened anyway. and my experience at beal taught me how to make things that work almost like everything they have there. i will not be stopped. the autumn has inspired. i've forced people away from me like i unconsciously do very often, and i'm exploding into me again.

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[06 Mar 2005|06:06pm]
sitting in my empty parent's house. i hadn't realized how much this place had an affect on me... after all, i have spent most of my life waking up here, eating here, laughing, drawing, crying, everything, here. it's quiet and the evening is rising around me. apparently trees slowly move as their roots move to the minerals, all others follow, and the tree slowly crawls... these giants, tripling our lifespans, absorbing everything from us as we pass them by every day... they amaze me. i'm not sure if i've been retainng as much as i used to. i can allow myself to be affected for a moment by a staring child, or an old woman walking at a pace 1/5 of mine, but i'm not sure if i can process as much... this job is filling me with things i don't want to feel. i get annoyed by people and dislike people i don't know, based on one simple interaction... and what i see of them in that small amount of time, i only know their personality in the rushed, buying mode. it is interesting to see, but i become a nameless server behind the counter, offering sometimes empty smiles as i take in their complaints about the way the business is run, they can only blame me, because i am the one there. how many undeserving faces to we associate with things we hate? i don't think i want to be one of those faces. we can't give others time in this world for mistakes, our human qualities must tossed, as we strive for perfect and productive.


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[14 Jul 2004|11:00am]
i'm seeing us more and more as machines. we do most things thinking we control them, but really we don't. i can't explain the feeling of hunger or addiction or whatever. and then drugs that make us think different things... what the hell is that? we build things around us to keep us going... we can't be entertained by reality anymore, we need seemingly complex games getting more and more looking like real life, but planned out and we're seeing it as an outsider. i think we play video games and watch tv because we're so desperately bored of our own lives. or maybe the people who can't dream are the ones addicted to video games. or maybe i'm full of shit. fake things are becoming more and more real which really scares me. soon we won't know what is here already and what was made with somethings here already and changed to seem like the other thing... we're preparing for something maybe? when all the fruit and animals are gone we'll have food flavoured like fruit, and stuffed animals to give the feeling of the real thing, and whatever's in fake meat to taste like the real thing. i really don't like robotic toys. and no matter how many times everything is explained to me it makes less and less sense because if you take away the meaning of the words that are used (generally we never really know the meanings anyway) then it's all just cool-sounding jumble. and if you really watch yourself you'll see that really you're just working in the cycle along with the rain clouds. this is my favourite part. but really. someone explain to me how my thoughts are able to get out onto this screen, each bit of my thought made of a different word then i can pass it on to anyone anywhere. and i bet even if i get this explained to me, or when i find out how everything works, i still can't really know, i can just compare it to something else i think i understand a bit better. because i can't even understand how me and my insides work, let alone anything much bigger or much smaller. now it's getting to hard to translate thoughts into words right now. later.
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[08 Jul 2004|05:12am]
hey sometime does someone in a different city than here want to do an exchange with me because i'm bored and you are too, and it'll be fun? like you get to come to london and hang out with me for a bit (and everyone else in london) and i get to go to your city and hang out with you (and your city hmpleople) for a bit? (and you get sleep at my house and i hope i get sleep at your house?) that would be fun.
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[06 Jul 2004|02:33pm]
i thought i'd post some art
these are a few pieces from 2 current sketch books. x-posted to notebookkillers

Read more...Collapse )
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[06 Jul 2004|02:03pm]
i found this long long drawing i did on that fold out computer paper when i was between age 6-11. i was always working on it. it's actually so cool. right... so these are just some little buts from them. click on that little link under these brief facts to see.

'pestronaabia'Collapse )
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